dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize