I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
