On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
