dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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