Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
