i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
