his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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