My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
