im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Randomize