If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
