It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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