if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize