he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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