Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
