toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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