Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
