i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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