oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
