I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
