Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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