I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
