the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
