I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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