You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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