I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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