Where did you get a picture of my penis
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
