There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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