This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
