i would punch a child for taco bell
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize