Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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