dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
