Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
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