The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
