life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
