You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
