The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Randomize
