Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
