My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
