____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
He's on the porch naked. Help.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
