you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
where are you?
Hypothermia
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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