i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
