The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize