Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
