do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
