It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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