Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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