so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
