i'm signing you up for texting rehab
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
