Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
