If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
