theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
