just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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