Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
