We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
