im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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