If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Is Oprah even human
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
