i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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