I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Just invented taco cereal.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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